I haven’t done one of these in a long while, mostly because there hasn’t been a deluge of insane films watched during a trip like THIS ONE back in ye olden days. This past week though, due to the beatings suffered on the mountains of Revelstoke, people did some lying about more than usual and watched amazing and terrible things.
Hearts and Armor
Rating: B-
This is a strange Italian film about a woman who has her fortune told (showing the outcome of the film right at the beginning) who is then nearly gang-raped in a gorge by degenerate rogues– only saved at the last moment by an empty suit of armor which is then bequeathed to her. A scene later she (in the armor) saves another woman from being raped by the same gang of degenerates (now less able to rape after being mangled by the original suit of armor). The woman she saves turns out to be a princess of the Moors, who she then captures and brings to a group of Christian Knights. The remainder of the film is a love story between a Moorish knight and the woman in the armor, and the princess and some other knight– all the while the various knights are fighting each other. This could have been way better but basically when you see the stupid helmets and armor (to tell the knights apart rather than JUST USING LIVERY), you can tell what sort of film this really is: schlock. Despite that, I have a soft spot for this film, mostly because of the comical attempted rape scenes, three very hot chicks, and the one on one battles are actually not that bad. Apparently this film is a cut version of a 4 hour mini-series which explains the number of characters and strange plotlines that come out of nowhere. This has Tanya Roberts (from Beastmaster) and Barbara De Rossi (hot). This is watchable on VHS and Youtube– I would love to see this one restored at some point as the quality is obviously horrible.
Prisoners of the Lost Universe
Rating: C
This film has John Saxon, Apollo from Battle Star Galactica and Kay Lenz (from Breezy and other movies). This is a VERY 1970’s style movie with the outdoor sets looking very much the same as something out of Buck Rogers or even some of the Kroft Supershow programs (dune buggy, etc.). This was not terrible, but seemed almost like a made for TV film from 1978/79– yet came out in 1983!!!! Was this filmed in the 70’s and only released many years later?
Phantom Empire
Rating: D+
This is an insane Journey to the Center of the Earth style romp with extremely low budget effects likely filmed in the same areas as the movie above. This was painful to watch until suddenly a tesla-truck looking future vehicle shows up and the film’s space cleavage steps out. Despite the space-lady and savage women in animal skin bikinis, this was nearly unwatchable. What an incredible waste of an awesome film title though. How this came out in 1988 and not 1978 I have no idea.
Beastmaster
Rating: A-
This is a fantastic movie with an odd choice for lead actor (Marc Singer) in the same way that the 80’s Flash Gordon remake had quite the non-Flash Gordon actor. Overall I feel this film is a timeless classic despite being incredibly cheesy and just slightly edging into the fantasy schlock region. I may watch the Deathstalker movies more often, but I won’t say no to this one. This was by far the best film we watched.
Conquest
Rating: C-
I cannot recommend this film on a general level as it’s just to discordant and makes very little sense at times. The costumes are ridiculous, the battles preposterous and the main villain (who is naked in every scene) had so little screen time, I’m shocked she is always on the cover of the VHS box. However, it has a certain schlocky charm to it that if you are really hunting for a strange sword and sorcery film, this is probably a good choice.
Risque
Rating: D+
This was the only modern film we watched on the trip, I have no idea who put it on but it was a nonsense larceny caper surrounding a strip club planned and pulled off by a bartender an…a group of strippers. There is a lot of nudity and it had some promise until a scene where the bartender was randomly killed on accident by one of the strippers while he was training them to wield guns. The entire film from that point on became utterly preposterous and most of the plot threads that had been built up to that point became 100% irrelevant. The set up had the potential for a great finish of the film but it was completely wasted as if the writers just got lazy and decided to take the easiest way out. Silvia Orduna is the biggest draw of the strippers by far, but that was nowhere near enough.
The Last Dragon
Rating: B
I have often said that 1985 was the absolute zenith of American pop culture and film and it’s been downhill ever since–yet this film, which I never saw as a kid nor remembered seeing the trailer for, completely calls this into question. If you liked Miami Connection, this is the NYC counterpart. Strange pacing, uneven acting, disturbing and random placement of music videos from years earlier as if to simply increase screen time?? This is hard to rate as it’s a cultural gulash of Afro-American (emphasis on the afro) and Chinese stereotypes and cultural appropriation that would be considered totally inappropriate to put on film these days. In one critical scene, some boom-box carrying Chinese fortune cookie factory workers force the “Dragon” character who is obsessed with Chinese Kung Fu/culture to teach them to play craps, which he does not know how to play and just makes up the rules. ALL the characters make fun of each-other’s ethnicity which is a bit of a breath of fresh air since we are still under the thumb of political correctness. As bad as this is, it’s still entertaining.