Author: littlemute

Steve sent me a write up of the RPG action from the ski trip last week, and I wanted to preface the actual text with some of the texts I received during the gaming sessions.

We didn’t prepare too well for lamentations, we have no paper.  Steve says we should roll our characters and put them on toilet paper, because they will dissolve when dead.

Matt expects his character to survive, so he has a sturdy cardboard sheet.  His hubris will result in disaster, corrected only by recycling

My specialist is just as shitty as yours.  I have failed at everything I have tried to do.  I even lost all my silver getting drunk to try to get information from the seedy characters in the crappy inn.

There was puke in our bathroom this morning covering all 4 walls, the base and back of the toilet, and 3 walls of the shower stall

First, I really do love it when players name their characters something that will upset the GM, like naming a character the same name as one of the other players, or in this case, STEPHEN DUBAG which is as nearly a direct insult to Steve as can be imagined. I cannot really say how much I love that little extra effort to say FUCK YOU to the DM that is about to rape your imagination forever using LotFP to do so.

The module was (as far as I can tell) DOOM OF THE SAVAGE KINGS from DCC and the system was Lamentations.

GM Burger’s Account:

Buoyed by the worst possible conditions ever on the slopes of Crested Butte, we were determined to attempt some role playing…..and what system could be more fitting for a one-off adventure for drunks?  Lamentations of the Flame Princess!  Things began with some foreshadowing, as an attempt was made at playing a shadowfist deck based on the orange master, widely considered the worst card in the game.  The game was never finished, and ended with cards being thrown across the table, and multiple people going immediately to bed.  There was some pounding on doors, which may or may not have damaged the door frame, and yelling, though one bathroom took the worst beating of all for the evening/morning [see above]

Night two, the adventure was to begin!  Since no paper whatsoever was brought along on the trip, characters of medium to low quality were crafted on cardboard flaps torn off the Coors original 20 pack box.

 

The Party

Steven DuBag (run by the physical incarnation of the orange master), a fighter of medium quality

Fighter (run by a somewhat disinterested player), a, well…..fighter, an aptly named bloodbag

Mr. Crummy (run by projectile vomit champion of the previous evening), a specialist of the worst sort

Estorus (replacement)

Magic Mike (replacement)

The story begins in jail, with the party encarcerated for some sort of low level criminal activity.  The party is approached by an attractive woman in a pointed leather hat and long jacket.  Seeking conscripts for a voyage from the city of Specularium, the woman arranges for the release of the adventurers in exchange for service.  She is Eyres, and is soon joined by her associate Lorek, a hulking man over 6 and a half feet tall, and brandishing a great sword.  With them are two nameless mercenaries wielding swords, shields, and crossbows (Burger 1 and Burger 2).

On the land trek to Specularium, the party encountered a spectacle outside the tiny hovel of Hirot.  A young woman bound by a mob of villagers led by the town Jarl was heading toward a sacrificial altar off the side of the road.  After being met with antipathy from the Jarl (but not the villagers), the party discovered that the woman was to be sacrificed as on offering to appease the hound of Hirot, a demon beast that had set upon the village.  While somehow avoiding confrontation, the party managed to convince the mob that the woman should be merely tied to the altar block alive.  The group would return later that evening to free the woman.  Of course, the hound was encountered that evening.  After ‘escaping’ Mr. Crummy’s terribly set snare, Burger 1 was incapacitated for the rest of the adventure on the first attack roll of the session.  With heavy involvement from Eyres and Lorek, the hound was bested, but rose in gaseous form and retreated into the wilderness…

 The Town

The party would then return the woman to the town, earning the undying gratitude of the father and innkeeper.  With two party members badly injured and the Jarl ready to place the party into the sacrificial lottery for meddling, the party decided to take on the daunting task of slaying the beast permanently.  Investigations in town involved an encounter with the town priest, a man of poorly placed faith and disappointing healing capabilities, and a horrifying hag.  The hag agreed to help the party if the man of astonishingly orange complexion, Steven Dubag, would marry her.  He begrudgingly agreed, and she told him of a tomb north of the village where a weapon of great power was hidden that could bind the creature allowing it to be permanently slain.  A final town encounter took the party to the sign of three rats, a hideout for low level cutpurses.  Here, Mr. Crummy played himself as Eyres’s pimp and was able to trick the thieves into giving them all his own money.  After failing all rolls badly, he managed to wind up horribly drunk and penniless, but in possession of half a dozen false rumors.

The Tomb

While two of the fighters were recovering from wounds, the party decided to explore the tomb in the hopes of finding the weapon……This went as well as expected.  The party under the guidance of the orange master, surprisingly avoided some of the deadly traps located at the front entrance and found a side entrance through a rubble pile.  They proceeded carefully ahead, discovering a crawl space above the entrance to one of the rooms.  Mr. Crummy foolishly explored the cramped corridor with a rope tied to his leg in case he encountered trouble.  When trouble arrived there would be no saving him, as he was instantly slain by a tomb ghoul that dropped from the ceiling upon him.  (a final tally indicated that out of 19 dice rolls, he had failed all but one inconsequential sneak roll in town).  When he could not be pulled out (the ghoul was gleefully tearing apart his bowels), Fighter went up into the space, but was unable to fight effectively in the cramped passage, and perished as well.  It was now unnecessary for him to be woken up to make meaningless dice rolls.  The party, led by the orange master, decided to explore the other direction.  Here, in an altar room, they encountered two more tomb ghouls, horrible beasts with undead snakes protruding from their chests.  Burger 2 was bitten, and was inflicted with a disgusting rotting disease.

The party managed to slay the creatures, but with only two healthy members remaining, retreated back to town.  Upon arrival, Burger 2 expired, as the rot spread quickly up his arm and into his brain.  The party returned to the inn decimated, but having gained valuable experience (42 XP each).  Luckily, at their moment of greatest need, two men of adventurer caliber appeared suddenly and for no reason in the inn.  They were Estorus, the specialist of somewhat better than average ability, and Magic Mike, of the awful personality that was generally despised.  Both characters had the advantage of being written up on actual loose leaf paper purchased that day.  The party rested for the evening, generally cowering in the inn as the beast attacked the town, with the exception of Magic Mike, who blinded the creature driving it away, and using up his only spell for the rest of the adventure.  Everyone readied themselves to return to the tomb the next morning.

Upon arrival, the party heard voices inside the tomb.  Then screams!  Everyone rushed in, to find three of the derelicts from the sign of the three rats fighting the tomb ghoul.  Three quickly became two as Catkins, the dimmest of the bunch was devoured instantly.  The party rushed to the aid of the thieves, with Estorus firing into a crowd and hitting Wolf, one of the thieves, badly wounding him.  The ghoul would soon finish him off.  At this point, Steven Dubag rushed in, delivering a sizeable blow to the creature, but being bitten in the arm in the process.  He felt the rot creep up his arm.  After slaying the ghoul, Dubag demanded that his arm be cut off to stop the spread of the rot.  It worked, but the man of astonishingly orange complexion would now be permanently disfigured.  The party then crawled up through the passage and spied a shaft leading upwards to another room.  In this room they found the wolf spear of Ulfheonar, and a drinking horn of considerable healing abilities had they been used before the removal of the arm.  Equipped with the weapon, the party fled the tomb, only to be attacked by men on horseback, presumably sent by the Jarl.  After absorbing several arrow shots, the party escaped into the overgrown forest.

The lair of the Beast

With the party now equipped, and somewhat healed by the horn, they departed into the fens to find the lair of the beast.  On the approach, they were surprised by many swamp jackals.  In the battle,  the newly healed Burger 1 became the freshly departed Burger 1, but the 5 other characters managed to survive.  After several hours of searching, the party found a sinkhole of considerable diameter…..the lair of the beast.  Using several coils of rope, the group descended to the base of the pit, and encountered the beast!  The battle ensued!  After suffering considerable damage at the hands of the beast, Eyres unleashed several flaming missiles from a wand she wielded, knocking the beast back.  Then Lorek and Dubag managed to subdue the creature with the spear, pinning it to the ground.  It was Estorus who provided the killing blow, his blade becoming permanently stained in the blood of the beast, and enchanted.  The beast was dead, but the real thrill would be gathering up the gold chucks scattered throughout the lair in the hopes of advancing to the next experience level!  Eventually the party made their way out of the fens and back to town, where the orange master made good on his promise to marry the hag.  There was another benevolent surprise, as she transformed into a beautiful maiden, with a devilish husband at her side.  The husband bid the party goodbye, and the maiden presented Dubag with a departing gift of a weightless shirt of golden mail, and a final vision of the thief Estorus growing a murderous grin in anticipation of stealing the shirt for himself………

The End!