No Man’s Sky: TITS or GTFO

gaymers everywhere have wanted the top to come off No Man’s Sky ever since the game was teased back in 2013 at the VGX extended night of game commercials and press jacking off ‘awards’. a PERFECT tease. have you experienced a perfect tease before? something that gets your cock/clit hard as steel? that feeling of INTENSE anticipation? YEP that feeling is what happened all the fucking way back in 2013 for me and many other gamers for No Man’s Sky. fuck i bought a PS4 because for a time it was suggested that Sony had scooped up NMS as a exclusive for the console, though originally it was going to be PC, or some shit but then it was going to be PS4 first then at some later time PC, fuckitall now it’s on PS4 3 days before the PC release. i digress, NMS launches TOFUCKINGMORROW.

spacebabe7okay, you don’t give 3 fucks about NMS because as you keep telling everyone, based on the trailers of the game you’ve seen NMS looks like a fucking boring gayme. that’s fine, stick to your CoD or macho Dark Souls masturbations, you’re not part of the target audience. trolling rock hard NMS fans is easy as slapping a child for making too much direct eye contact with the disabled.

spacebabe3NMS does not appear to be the work of jesus or peter molonyx. thankfully on the later. the devs of NMS have offered details about the game in a mostly restrained fashion, never over promising about the reality of what you can do in the game. the devs have hinted at things without spoiling what could prove to be a fun learn as you go exploration situation. the devs of NMS hinted that the game world of NMS is large (procedural generated galaxy or universe) but never did they say horse shit crazy stuff like pete molonyx is notorious for(and always failing to deliver). thank you devs of NMS, i think you should be honored for not overhyping your product. the fans are doing all that shit for you as they will/should.

spacebabe5a “big” game made by like 12 or so people, hyped to the MOON by fans. NMS releases tomorrow and i will give some daily reports on what the game is like. i will let you know from my hands on impressions from playing 2-3 hours night, how a middle aged married man with child plays games.

spacebabe2OH, fuck i almost forgot, the devs to my knowledge have said ZERO about DLC for No Man’s Sky. how? is it because they will offer that shit at a later date? the devs have said they plan on bringing more content and features, though they said it in a way so that one thinks it will be at no additional cost. hurray for that if that turns out to be the case. perhaps Sony will be paying them to keep players buying PS4s to play the game. who knows. a game coming out in today’s DLC assraping market which has no day one DLC announcements is a fucking winner.

spacebabe6don’t think you can customize the sex of your character in the No Man’s Sky. shit. who knows for sure.

The Gaming of 2013

ahhh… the unlucky ’13 year was quite a year for games– or, dare I say, it should have been.  We had some MASSIVE releases last year with the culmination in some cases of decades of work for some development teams.  Yet for all their glory, the massive budget games were not the ones that I played and enjoyed, with a few exceptions.

Let’s run down the releases I got to play. Now I’m an ancient person with familial and work duties so there’s no chance in a given year that I’ll be able to play even close to everything that’s good. I have to make choices– very difficult choices with my budget of TIME.

Here we have the list of stuff I played or was seriously considering in order:
SashawtfAnarchy Reigns: This was the first game I bought in 2013 and it was…not great.  The price tag was good at 25$ or so, but I couldn’t get through the single player and the multiplayer, while interesting, just didn’t hold my attention.  The key issue was the core of the combat system– it just wasn’t all that great.   Compared to the AMAZING Urban Reign for the PS2, which is quite similar, it was a vast disappointment and from the ex-Clover team, that was sad.

Crysis 3: I am a huge Far Cry fan and though it pissed in my mouth with Far Cry 2, I still like the original developers a lot and I picked up the original Crysis and it was great fun. I haven’t bitten on 2 or 3 yet but probably will in the future.  I guess what did it for me was continued play of Battlefield 3.  Crysis 3 just seemed redundant and I didn’t buy it.

Hotline Miami: The first indy game of the year I picked up.  The ad campaign for this one was so incredible it was a must buy.  I never finished it — to be truthful after the school shooting last year I just couldn’t play it anymore– but I got a long way into the game before moving on to other games.  It was awesome.

Hear of the Swarm: Ok, for all it’s polish, Starcraft 2 is not fun for me to play.  The single player is quite boring and the actual storyline EXECUTION is just shit (the ideas are really cool though, just executed poorly and all tongue and cheek with the shitty-accent space rednecks and trying to be serious at the same time plus romance? what a space pissery!), the multiplayer, the meat of the game, feels like a fucking chore to me.  Plus, it’s a terrible annoyance to have to use Blizzard’s version of steam and ALWAYS BE ONLINE.  I figured out finally that as much as I love RTS games and Warcraft 3, I’m just not a Starcraft player so I skipped this one and will likely never play Starcraft 2 in any form again because it’s jsut goddamn tiresome.

Call of Juarez: Gunslinger: This was an impulse buy and I didn’t get through it but played it a bit and was impressed. It’s essentially a rail shooter with a CRAZY story integrating with just about every Old West hero in the late era (think Jesse James/Butch Cassidy).  If this is cheap, pick it up, you won’t be disappointed even if you get like 3-4 hours of play only.

The Last of Us: Ok so this was a PS3 exclusive and I had no chance to play it. Apparently this is a great game for the story as it integrates stuff from the hugely influential THE ROAD into a zombie shooter.  I just wanted to note that if this had come out on other consoles, it would have sold a LOT more copies, especially PC.  Plus this has that short lady that’s in all the fucking movies these days that is always talking too much on screen.

Xcom: Enemy Within: This is a follow up to Xcom: Enemy Unknown from 2012 and I just didn’t bother with it despite my love for the first game.  I hope this combat engine sees more life as it’s great. I will pick this up eventually…

Company of Heroes 2: Ok so here is a sequel to one of my favorite RTS games. COH, along with Warcraft 3, redefined what I wanted out of an RTS, and they did it in very different ways.  Unfortunately, the ENTIRE COH team left Relic Games long before COH 2 was started and I read so many bad things about the game that I didn’t pick it up.  The comments from Russians about the game is pretty crazy if you check metacritic– I guess they forgot that Stalin was a murderous dictator that was able to save the country from another murderous dictator?

Rogue Legacy:  While I don’t have a controller to hook up to my PC, I gave this one a shot and it was pretty interesting.  It’s not Battle Block Theater though.. no sir. Hence, I had problems playing it for very long.

Dota 2:  2013 IS the year of DOTA2, hands down.  The game came out of beta and everyone was playing it before, and everyone and their MOTHER is playing it now.  It is the best game of 2013, no question about it.  Obviously it’s a game that doesn’t appeal to everyone and it’s a very very deep rabbit hole to get into (and you have to practice) but I think this was a huge release for the year.  It’s tough to say it was the best when you want to give it to something new– since the game is getting close to 10 years old from it’s first incarnations, but DOTA 2 is by far the most important and best game of 2013.

Saints Row IV: I loved Saint’s Row 3. Loved it and played the shit out of it.  IV is excellent— except I can’t play it anymore.  Whether it’s my configuration (unlikely) or a patch I can’t tell, but the game will no longer run on my computer.   I got 20 hours in and then simply had to stop playing after one of the patches hit. I uninstalled, reinstalled, check the interweb tubes for a solution which ended up being “wait for the next patch” which I don’t even think ever came.  Sad that they didn’t take their PC users seriously this time around.

Diablo 3 (consoles): The monumental failure of a game that is Diablo 3 hit consoles in 2013 and they did a good job. Unfortunately, the game is fundamentally flawed and cannot be ‘fixed’ with the removal of the real money auction house.  This is what happens when you spend 12 years and millions of dollars on what amounts to a PAY TO PLAY iPHONE GAME.

Total War Rome 2: How the mighty have fallen.  This was my fucking BIGGEST disappointment of the year.  I warned my wife and wee children that I would be huddled in the basement for MONTHS on this fucker, but I put in 40 hours of frustration and was done. Rome 1 was my second choice for game of the DECADE from 00 to 10 only second to the almighty Warcraft 3.  What the fuck happened? 1) Too large of a budget  2) Too short of a timeline 3) crappy battle engine.  This series is dead to me.  Shogun 2’s battles sucked despite EVERYTHING else about the game being excellent.  The design choices + the battles being shit tanked this game forever.  Warhammer Fantasy Battle Total War will suck.

Path of Exile:  Another Diablo 3 killer, I did not get a chance to play this and probably won’t.  It’s been on my radar for a long time, but — I just want to keep playing Torchlight 2– like forever.

Battlefield 4:  Why come out so soon?  I still feel like I didn’t have the time to get into BF3 and ALREADY there’s a new BF game out?  And it’s not an offshoot like Bad Company or 2142, it’s the full on thing… why?  I just didn’t want this and saw no reason to buy it.  This does not need to come out every 2 years…

And for all that– it’s still just the year of DOTA 2.

unstoppable

 

HALO 4 REVIEWED

console FPS. that phrase will make some people gag and puke, like a saturday night drunk. i clearly remember the first time i played halo 2 on xbox. it was horrifying trying to make a microsoft console controller do what i knew a mouse/keyboard could do so much better. i was playing a fucking FPS with a console controller, it was terrible, it was 2003 or 2004 i think. there were two HUGE BLACK xboxs linked with a cable of some kind and it was 4 v 4 on two tvs in separate rooms in one house. 4 players on one tv, a tv screen split 4 ways. that layout was HORRIBLE in comparison to the MANY LAN parties i had attended where each player had there own computer, monitor and mouse/keyboard. YA I GOT FUCKING HOUSED by these console FPSers most of the time because of my console controller problems, but my PC FPS tactics did translate pretty well and I was able to hold my own after an hour of play all the while hating the controller and most of the people i was playing with. console FPS people are different from computer FPS people.

in 2006 i picked up a xbox360 for gears of war because you could take a chainsaw gun and cut bad guys in half. some time later i picked up halo 3 and played that some, it was okay nothing great and the controls sucked in comparison to mouse/keyboard. i played it because i had a friend that was NOT a pc gamer and he wanted to multiplay that shit up. so we did.

in 2008 i played COD4 on the xbox360 and finally went full on gay for FPS on consoles. so easy to just play mutliplayer game after game, the console made the multiplayer portion of the game so easy that going back to PC networking options looked completely archaic. so ya FPS can work fine/better on a console in some respects though M/K control on the PC will always be more accurate/brutal.

oh ya, HALO 4 REVIEWED. i guess i would call HALO 4 the best the xbox 360 has to offer in the halo bag. BUT LET’S BREAK DOWN THE OFFICAL KEY FEATURES OF HALO 4 ACCORDING TO AMAZON.COM!

Key Features

– The Reclaimer Saga Begins: Experience the dawn of an epic new Halo adventure, solo or split screen with up to three friends.

yep, sure like me some options playing the ENTIRE store co-op. but uh, the story is not very epic. it’s a linear who the fuck care’s affair where you are just ushers from shooting gallery to shooting gallery. why i love it so much worries me, i do love it but i know in my heart it’s pretty mindless. i think it works so well for coop because it’s so simple.

-Go Beyond the Story: Halo 4’s Infinity Multiplayer features a vastly expanded suite of multiplayer modes, weapons, vehicles, armor abilities, a new loadout and Spartan-IV player progression system.

CALL OF HALO’D. yes the multiplayer mode is your industry standard xp/upgrade slog. i’ve played about 4-5 hours of it not nearly enough to dig into all the customization options and i most likely never will play long enough to experience all of the “player progression system”. that sounds pretty geyh. yet again what i’ve played of multi is giggle inducing fun. i like the crazy vehicular combat, dude getting mowed down from heavy turret fire or run the FUCK over. it’s all easy to understand and less of a gawddamnedclusterfuck like in the BattleField games. what i mean to say here is a suck at battlefield games and with little or no effort i do well in halo 4. you tell me what that fuckin means about the games.

– Spartan Ops: Extend your campaign experience in a massive-scale adventure that builds upon the “Halo 4” Campaign. Receive a weekly series of cinematic episodes on Xbox LIVE followed by new gameplay missions, played solo or cooperatively with up to three friends – effectively delivering two campaign experiences in one game!* (*Online multiplayer and Spartan Ops missions require Xbox LIVE Gold membership (sold separately). System requirements forthcoming. See www.halo4.com)

sure sure sure, i like this part. i’ve played about 3hrs with my friend and it was nice easy fun blasting shit up all over the place. it works well and there is a metric shit ton of content being released, 5 new maps every week for fuck if i know how many weeks. it will take months of playing 2hrs a week with my friend to get through it all. massive-scale? no so much it’s bigger but not fucking massive, perhaps has massive as the xbox360 can produce without shitalloveritself. two campaigns? they reuse some/all of the maps from the main campaign in spartan ops so this is kinda a fucking lie but only internet assburger dickjags complain about that misleading key feature.

– War Games: Battle the competition in fresh, immersive new game modes and strategies.

this is pure marketing asspeak. nothing in this game is that fresh/new. it’s very HALOY which MOST of the internet halo geeks are happy to smoke.

– Track your groups, stats and scores on HaloWaypoint.com

stats. fine sure stats. my e-penis is larger then your internet butt hole will accommodate, see! see right here! this e-dick is much too massive and would split your brown starfish into uneven pieces. surgery may be required.

– Edge-of-your-seat Entertainment: Immerse yourself in Halo 4’s graphics, sound and epic game play including a mysterious and deadly new class of enemies* (*Online multiplayer and Spartan Ops missions require Xbox LIVE Gold membership (sold separately). System requirements forthcoming. See www.halo4.com)

graphics are TOP notch. this can and will not be fucking understated. the shit looks like doom3+rage with a solid FPS. okay you PC GAMING CUNTS halo 4 is not as good looking as current PC games played on 1500$ computers, but shit the xbox is 200$ and old and fuck and halo 4 rides the xbox like a FUCKING CHAM-PEE-YOEN! we are seeing GREAT PROGRAMING AT WORK and should be happy some nerdgod programmers are still milking that sweet xbox teet for me. i have multiple times stopped during single player to have a slack jawed look around like a cleatus, marveling at the graphics. i’m pretty sure the designers are paying homage to doom3 with some of the spaceship interiors and rage with some of the air landscapes, that is OKAY BY ME.

NOW LISTEN HERE PEOPLE! so you bought a xbox360. you are a poor person so you didn’t get a hard drive with your xbox. you are poor and you pay for xbox live gold access every year. you are poor and bought a 60$ xbox game and now you want to play this $60 game on your $200 xbox that has a internet connection, at least another $40 bucks a month and use your $60 a year xbox live gold access for some multiplayer HALO 4! oh you are too poor you cunt, you can’t play multiplayer HALO 4 on the xbox without installing the second DVD to the xbox hard drive which you are too POOR to purchase. on the back of the HALO 4 case you are told about this in the smallest possible writing. (you can now use any 8 or 16GB usb 2.0 flash drive instead of a offical xbox hard drive for game installs so you have to be too poor to buy this even). i’m sure some poor xbox players got pissed the fuck off when they could not play multi on the day they bought HALO 4 because they couldn’t install disc2. WHAT THE FUCKALL EVER! if you have a xbox360 with no harddrive you should not even be spending money on xbox shit at all. just stop breathing now.

HALO 4 is a great xbox360 game and one that should be owned by all xbox360 peeps.

HALO 4 is a 1 on said official binary scale.